Wherein I Get Drunk And Purchase New Condoms

A girl recently told me the condoms I use were despicable. Uncomfortable to the point of ruining sex. But when I suggested the obvious, that we stop using them, she balked. Something about personal responsibility and not being able to live with herself. Instead, she countered with a daunting proposition.

Why don’t you buy new condoms?

Because I’ve only ever used one brand.

Trojan Ultra Ribbed. Not only do they bring brand-name confidence to my bedroom game, they sound cool. Ultra freakin’ ribbed. If there was a party, Ultra Ribbed would be holding court in the kitchen, convincing girls to do tequila shots.

But apparently they suck. And I’m approaching 30. I can’t be using crappy condoms. It’s time to improve my rubber collection. And I did it the only way I know how. By getting hammered and going to Harris Teeter. This is that account.

.       .       .

I am standing alone in my room drinking. I have a Solo cup full of pickle juice in one hand and a bottle of Bulleit in the other. I guess I could be doing it in the living room, but my roommate is catching up on Top Chef. Living with me is difficult enough.

On the way there, I realize what it is I hate about condom shopping. It’s not the act of purchasing them. It’s that I keep doing it at grocery stores. Why am I not buying these at CVS, where the aisles are lined with dandruff shampoo and menstrual tampons? Everyone is picking up personal, repulsive consumer goods at pharmacies.

It’s different at the grocery store. There are people getting their holiday ducks and their salt and vinegar chips. Meanwhile I’m barging to the cashier, a 36 pack of rubbers tucked under my arm.

Is that celery? These are condoms. COME WATCH ME FUCK. Yea. You can bring the child.  

It is Sunday evening, so the store has a gentle bustle to it. I decide to grab the other item I came for first, so as to not appear like I walked all the way from home just to wrap it up. Unfortunately, the other item I need is carpet cleaner. I can imagine the cashier now.

You know sir, you are supposed to come inside the condom.

I walk upstairs, a cherry red bottle of Resolve in my left hand. Why aren’t condoms tucked away in a polite corner, with a velour curtain, so I can peruse in peace? No. They are next to bar soap. I already feel gross enough Teeter, stop pushing the narrative I’m unclean.

By the way, I reek of whiskey, am lurching a bit and can only be described as leering at the display. I feel like a middle-aged hillbilly, in a stained undershirt, scratching his chest, contemplating incest.

Mah daughter, she a purdy, but I don’t want none them funky babies.

The top row is dominated by Trojan. Bright orange cubes plastered with commonplace adjectives that only become sexualized when slapped across a box of condoms.

Ecstacy. Intense. Twisted.

There are two additions to their line, which I’d never known about. One is Trojan Supercharged Orgasmic Pleasure. Don’t undersell yourself. Can the FCC regulate these claims? There has to be paragraphs of legalese on the back: Trojan Brand is not responsible for copulation that does not culminate in orgasm. Next to them is the BareSkin line, which claims to be 40% thinner than average. Condoms always seemed pretty thin to me to begin with. They’re… translucent. How much more can we go? I like to imagine a guy with a lathe planing latex, a nefarious Trojan executive behind him in a suit.

Sir, this as thin as the rubber can go.” And the CEO cocks his pistol.

There is also Trojan ENZ, which have an enormous red tag noting they contain “Spermicidal Lubrication.” I thought this was like anti-lock brakes at this point. Why would you make condoms that don’t do everything they can to prevent pregnancy?

Ehh, this is probably enough.

I should mention that I’m standing in front of a condom display in a public store, tipsy, furiously scribbling notes into a moleskin. Don’t know how I’ll explain this one to the police.

Officer, just, have you even read my blog?

Next to Trojans are Magnums. Condoms always seemed real stretchy to me. How much bigger does your dick need to be to justify these? I like to assume Magnums are bought only by guys who think they are packing, but then come to the bitter realization it isn’t true when they are splitting the surgery bill to remove a rubber from their girlfriend’s fallopian tube. There’s also a Magnum XL. No.

Above them are Playboy condoms. Playboy. They make a condom. What gentleman purchases these? I imagine he keeps them in a silver case which he flips open whenever women are hesitant about sleeping with him.

But my dear, these are Playboy condoms.

There’s no way that move wouldn’t work.

To Playboy’s suave right is Durex. I’m sure they are fine and everything, but Durex was the brand my college RA passed out. They came in purple and orange and green and yellow. Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcondom. It still boggles me to this day. Why would you make condoms in different colors. It’s not like we can put one on and strut about like a perverse peacock. By the time the condom is rolled on, the woman usually already digs you. I like to think this was another misguided attempt by a corporation in the 90s to seem cool. Use Durex. The condom that comes in clear packaging.

Sadly there appear to be no lambskin condoms. Whole Foods maybe. There is also 14 different brands of lubrication. Call me old-fashioned, but I feel only men in their late 40s with moustaches should be allowed to use the phrase “lube.” Because that’s probably their thing.

I’ve got some lube in the dresser.

Everyone else needs to say lubrication. It’s only three more syllables. That’s worth it to not sound like a complete denigrate.

Alas, being drunk, I settled on Ultra Ribbed again. Whatever. I think they rock.

23 Thoughts on “Wherein I Get Drunk And Purchase New Condoms

  1. Why are there not more condoms aimed for his and his pleasure? Bret you seem like the guy who could answer this.

  2. Homeslice on December 12, 2012 at 2:15 pm said:

    Hate to state the semi obvious that may ruin the awkwardness of the moment by extinguishing it, but amazon prime?

    • I’ve heard that one too, but something about buying condoms online. Just feels even more preverted

      • Funny story about a friend who works for Audible (Amazon’s audiobooks division) who used her discount to purchase a vibrator from the site. Ever since then I feel weird about that stuff too (probably unjustifiably since I DON’T work there).

  3. I second the Durex Avanti Bareskin.

    Never never never anything sans-lube. They put corn starch in that shit. As for spermicide? Some people are allergic. Nothing worse than having your snatch feel like burning from a chemical in the middle of naked sexy fun time.

    Also, never really found the ribbed for her/his/whomever’s pleasure to make all that much of a difference.

    Lambskin is fairly awesome for texture (and they have them at my local CVS) but not so great for STDs and not *as* reliable for preventing pregnancy.

  4. modernwoman on December 11, 2012 at 1:37 pm said:

    trojan her pleasure. they come in the purple box. the best. ribbed condoms feel weird even though they’re supposedly supposed to enhance our pleasure, but in my opinion, it’s a little like a cheese grater going in and out of me. the trojan her pleasure’s are thinner a little thinner than the standard, but not as thin as the “ultra thin” ones which, in my experience, rip if you even move. plus she’ll thank you for thinking of “her pleasure” during your purchase.

    • Well alright. I guess I need to go back to the store

      • Patrick B on December 11, 2012 at 6:23 pm said:

        Fuck that. I’m not opting for “her pleasure” over whichever one is best for me. I have no problem buying something that is better for the girl if it isn’t worse for me, but given condoms make sex about 1.5% worse for women and 89% worse for men, I’m buying whatever is going to negatively affect my experience the least.

        Or you can just trust me when I tell you that I got tested recently and would never consider not using a condom with any girl but you.

  5. It’s been awhile since I bought condoms (one benefit of monogamy, I guess), but I never understood why there are so many choices either. I think I always purchased the most basic thing I could, because those other gimmicks seem… Well, gimmicky. Never went for the unlubricated though, that sounds awful.

    Two points:
    1) You definitely CAN buy condoms at CVS. Don’t feel like you have to go to the grocery store. Or you could buy them at Costco if you want to feel super awkward.
    2) I think Magnums are wider, not longer. Condoms seem to roll out forever, so that would be ridiculous if they made a “14 inches or longer” size or some shit. I bought them once out of curiosity, and they seemed to squeeze less around the shaft.

    • Ahh. Wider. That makes a lot more sense, now that I think about it. And yea, I’m doing CVS from here on out

    • Not sure why you would feel shame, especially drunk, buying them. As a gal I’ve bought a variety of different condoms, usually at a Target or adult sex shop – they have a better variety. I will say I am not a fan of Durex’s ribbed brand as it seems to stretch out during sex and hooking that out is kind of a mood killer and seems counter to the point. For guys of a certain size and width Magnums are the best way to go as they cover more and fit better. No harm in buying three packs and seeing which you like better.

  6. Best line: “’Sir, this as thin as the rubber can go.’ And the CEO cocks his pistol.”

    If only all board meetings were run that way.

  7. Durex Avanti Bareskin get my vote. Really good. REALLY GOOD.

  8. All condom talk aside…

    Mostly I just love the fact that you had a Solo cup of pickle juice…I definitely went to Eastern Market this weekend to pick up pickle juice for the sole purpose of pickle backs. The most beautiful part of that was that they gave it to me for free! Apparently they just throw it away!

  9. Patrick B on December 11, 2012 at 10:21 am said:

    Not sure why you wouldn’t go with the obvious choice, Bareskin. Despite the fact that the name is insulting by comparing itself to the greatness of condom-free sex, it is definitely better.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>

Post Navigation