Let’s face it. Meeting new people is hard. It’s awful, really: introducing yourself, fostering a connection, slowly determining if reciprocal oral sex is on the table. It’s one of the most arduous tasks a human can undertake. I’d rather build an iPhone 6 out of string.
Wouldn’t it be easier if there was someone who already liked you? Someone you could comfortable relate to, occasionally share some wine with and get it on the reg from?
What if I told you there was? No, it’s not a preprogrammed sexbot, although I like where your head’s at.
I’m speaking of your ex. Wouldn’t it be so much nicer if the two of you could ignore that whole wrong for each other bit and just be happy together since it’s been like shit, six weeks since you’ve gotten laid and your balls (ovaries) are about to explode with semen (ova).
Well, this blog absolutely condones the manipulating of people’s emotions in order to get laid. They’re gonna orgasm, too. It’s not like you’re using them that much.
But how do you do it without him or her confusing biological urges with a desire to rekindle a long-term relationship? Lucky for you, the internet has guides on these sort of things. In fact, the internet has one on this very page.
Lay off the social media: It may seem that boasting about going parasailing or to an oyster bar or finally getting your driver’s license back (thank you Checkpoint Strikeforce) is the way to make yourself more attractive. But when the shit have you ever watched someone brag on Facebook and been like YES. You are the one I want. No, you were thinking about throwing rocks at them. Fuck those people. Bragging creates resentment, which is not the emotion you want to engender (you are going for sexual appeal). So go dark for a bit. Nothing bad will happen. It adds mystique. They may even think you died.
Send an innocuous email: Never text. Texting is too personal. “Why the fuck is my ex all up in my phone piece?” (Is something they might say). Don’t do that. Email is the non-threatening domain where coworkers and LivingSocial deals and tons of communication not regarding sex with the person you dumped exist. Join that realm. Start with a link to a news story you two would have laughed at while you were together. Nothing bonds people more than strangers’ misfortune.
Ask questions: Not in your initial email. That smacks of desperation. Wait until they follow up (they will; exes are awful at staying away), then do everything you can to keep the conversation going. But be sly. Instead of “How was your day?” try “Syria. SMDH. Can you believe it?” Be sure to take your time replying. Nothing confuses people emotionally more than lag time between responses.
Send a text photo: After some emails, send a picture of something cool to their phone. At a kennel adopting a dog? Absolutely. Visiting the aquarium? Definitely. See some goats grazing along the road? Be sure to caption it ‘goooatsss.’ It’s the safest way to get back into someone’s phone. People love pictures. And now you are back in their life with nary a suspicious sentiment.
Time to act ruefully about some shit: Was there something you never did together? The zoo or a hip new Moscato bar or whip its? Subtly lament the missed opportunity. How it seemed like a great idea at the time.
Then get hesitant: They’ll take your bait, because they miss you and also haven’t banged in a while. “Why not?” they’ll say. “We can hit the zoo, just a couple of lynx-loving buddies.” Now is the time to act uncertain about what you just suggested. Why? Being reluctant plays into three human weaknesses. One, people are suckers for doubt. They will think that since you have some concerns, you are genuinely thinking about this and not acting rash (read: horny). Two, everyone loves bad ideas. Being resistant makes it seem like something that shouldn’t be done. Which then they will want to do. And lastly, everyone loves to convince someone to do something. It’s like our engrained ape hey let’s go foraging gene or some shit.
Lots of liquor: Now you two are meeting up. Somewhere. Make sure there’s liquor near. No one makes bad decisions on beer. And wine will only lead to old wounds being opened. So, cocktails and shots. Then it’s the strings-free, slump-busting sex you were looking for.
Just kidding. If you do your ex, you’re in for like six more weeks of relationship. It’s the Punxsutawney Phil of fucking. But at least you got some without meeting a new person.