There are so many daunting questions facing humanity. Who are we? Why are we here? What the fuck is clarified butter? Do I really need to use that instead of regular butter?
The answer is yes. It has a higher smoke point and allows for much better caramelization on the exterior of your scallops.
See, it’s not hard to handle these great mysteries. And I’m here to resolve another. It’s about God. Not whether He exists. Something like five-sixths of humans think He does. That’s good enough for me. I want to know about a more pressing matter. I want to know if I got to St. Peter’s pearly gates and was holding a funnel, would God say “Sorry, I have a parole hearing with Judas in a bit,” or would He bong some beer like a fucking boss?
So let’s tackle society’s greatest question using the evidence He provided. Is God a Bro?
Had his autobiography ghostwritten: Some of the world’s best Bros outsourced their books: Derek Jeter, Justin Timberlake, Leonardo DiCaprio. None of these dudes thought “Ooooh, I’m gonna sit at a desk and craft beautiful prose.” That’s pussy shit God ain’t got time for. More so, I don’t think He paid anyone for the work they did. Baller. Point: Bro
Included 200 pages of poetry in His book: No. No. Point: Not Bro
Invented women: On the one hand, He invented women. Bros love women. And God was like “That’s cool, dude. I’ll make you some. Do you want them to give you head?” And Lo, it was. But He made them with that nag, nag, nag. Come on. A true Bro would have genetically engineered that shit out. Point: Not Bro
Loves natural disasters: Have you ever seen how pumped Bros get for a natural disaster? Remember in college when Bros were pounding shots to CNN’s coverage of Hurricane Katrina? Tsunamis, earthquakes, terrorist attacks; doesn’t matter. Bros love that shit. And God was practically jacking off when He decided to kill everyone on Earth with a flood. TOTAL BRO MOVE. Point Bro
Wrote the Ten Commandments: Could there being anything less Bro than a set of rules about what not to do? If God truly was a Bro, it would have the One Commandments. 1. Thou Shalt Ball The Fuck Out. Point: Not Bro
Wants people to worship him: Why do you think Bros spend so much time lifting weights? Same deal. Point: Bro
Made the Jews wander around for 40 years: EPIC prank. Point: Bro
Possibly Jewish: I don’t know His precise lineage, but He spent a lot of time hanging with the Jews. And look, they are fine people, eating crackers and floating in seas, but have you ever met a Jew who is a real Bro? Point: Not Bro
Let the Kings of Israel bang away: Up top. That’s in the Bible. He never judged David or Solomon or … Harrison for slamming broads left and right. If it wasn’t cool (kosher) He would have said so. Point: Bro
Slept with a married man’s wife: I don’t know if God knew Joseph before he knocked up Mary. But either way, it’s fucked up. In one scenario He drank a shit ton of Fireball with the couple and was like “Damn, she got tits.” In the other, He saw a girl walking down the street and didn’t bother to ask if she had a boyfriend. Dick move no matter what. Point: Not Bro
Asked his son to die: I think it’s Bro to be like “Fuck my kid, I need more free time,” but I’m not certain. Push
Has been doing dick for the past 2,000 years: Nothing’s more Bro than chilling. Point: Bro
So, in a narrow 6-5 victory, God is a Bro. But we should have known that. Whenever you come to His house, He offers you booze. That’s how a true Bro rolls.